July 30, 2023
I don’t quite remember when or where it happened, but somewhere along the way I seemed to have lost my voice. Perhaps you can relate? Read on while I share what happened to me that may inspire you to also discover your voice?
Like most things of the sort it may have occurred during childhood when right after being given a voice by way of being “taught” language I was then told a whole laundry list of times when it was impermissible to do so.
In many ways it seems that we don’t live in a very voice positive society. After all not five minutes after being taught how to speak we are warned and often with the threat of dire consequences not speak.
I mean there are just so many inappropriate times to speak.
You can’t speak when someone else is speaking, which can be quite challenging if you share the company of someone who is more than chatty and barely leaves room for you to get even a thought in.
Then of course there’s the entire school day when the teacher is speaking, which is literally non-stop accompanied by the incessant shoosh, followed by the menacing look and directive to raise your hand and wait to be called on. Then you never actually get called on because the teacher either decided that they did not care to hear what you had to say, decided to ignore you or even worse decided to punish you for having something to say in the first place. How dare you wish to express yourself after being prompted to do so!
Oh and lest we be reminded of the dozens of social settings where it is impermissible to speak like the movies, plays, libraries, churches, shrines, meetings, ceremonies, performances, presentations, yoga class, and a laundry list of others too long to fit into this letter.
Yet, the best one is speaking events where you literally go to hear someone else speak while you must supress rather than discover your own voice.
Next, there are the social situations where you may not speak until it’s your turn at which time you may have totally forgotten what you even wanted to say. That would be one-on-one conversations, therapy sessions, job interviews and such.
Oh and don’t forget the times when you are expected to speak even if you don’t want to. Times like when forced to give apologies, at job interviews when you wonder why the interviewer insists on asking you to explain what has already been explained on the resume. Or when some so-called authoritative figure demands that you tell them something that you don’t wish to tell.
It seems that your voice is constantly being controlled by so many factors, none of them being you. It starts with your parents then teachers and becomes a never-ending list of people telling you when you can and cannot use your voice.
The impact of this is quite dire.
Through all of this you lose your voice and I don’t mean a raspiness that comes from yelling. I mean you actually lose your voice and forget what it even sounds like, if it even has a sound. As a result of all the voice patrolling you adopt someone else’s voice and you defer to it so regularly that you begin to think that it is your own.
R.I.P. YOUR voice.
All that exists now is this imposter of a voice. I can’t even call it a cloning because it’s not anything like the real you. It’s a voice that you were taught and ultimately forced to adopt and so you do.
Though since it’s not really something that you do willingly the process of this adoption can be a bit volatile.
In fact, this warrants a short story about how just recently my voice violently escaped. It happened when someone offered their assistance then proceeded to do the worst job of it. I mean their performance was so bad that it was causing me to work harder than I would have needed to without their assistance. I had to keep going behind them undoing then redoing all of their work and I was getting increasingly more annoyed.
If I’m being honest I wasn’t feeling any kind of blissful, but I was very mindfully aware of the anger welling up inside of me. So I kindly asked the person to correct the manner in which they were performing the task by showing them the proper way and pointing out how inefficient their manner of doing it was.
In response they insisted that their way would be fine despite the fact that it clearly was not. The task could literally not be carried out the way they were going about it. I liken it to building a gate across a roadway and telling cars that they can still get thru.
So this went on for a good 5 minutes or so. Meanwhile, I could literally feel the anger welling up inside of me.
Momentarily, I wondered whether it was actually anger that was building or something else. In that instance I realized that it was something else. It was my voice that needed desperately to escape and be free to express itself.
So after a brief moment of silence that’s what I did. I addressed the person again. Only this time I let it all out. I lost the diplomacy and passivity and was brutally honest. All that I had previously held in came out. I won’t go into all of the details of what I said specifically because the past is the past. Besides, I already released that dragon and finally got her centered again and back to a blissful space.
I’ll just say that in releasing my voice I probably violated every “rule” ever taught about how you are “permitted” to use your voice. First, I spoke out of turn. Secondly, I had a slightly elevated volume and a stern tone. Most importantly I was brutally honest.
I must say that it was the honesty that was most freeing. It seemed that holding back on my truth over the course of an entire lifetime has resulted in the creation of a mental prison for me. Worse is that I created it voluntarily and I did so in an attempt to fit into cultural and societal norms. Doing this has truly been to my detriment.
It caused me to forget who I am.
Yet this memory loss is not recent. It happened a very long time ago. I’ve been this watered down, holographic version of myself for so long that I’d forgotten what the real me looks likes, sounds likes or feels like.
Societal norms require that you be someone other than yourself because there are so many rules with respect to the use of your voice. Culture and society dictate when, where, how and in what manner you may speak.
That said, is it even your voice anymore? Still going deeper is it even your narrative anymore?
In that moment standing in front of this person looking them in the eye I realized something. This interaction unlocked something inside of me.
Light bulbs went off and I asked myself what are you doing here? Seriously, what the hell are you doing here? Why are you here? This isn’t even where you want to be. I never even wanted to work with this person. I did so out of obligation, but why?
I realized that it had nothing to do with the person in front of me and that the incident was necessary to awaken something in me. That dragon needed to be awaken. She is me and I am her. We are one. Together we are my voice.
Your voice is your most prolific creation. It is energy. It is how the mind speaks things into existence. Ergo it is your narrative. Your reality.
If you silence the imposter voice for a moment (which if you haven’t already guessed, is your ego) sitting silently in the background you’ll hear your voice.
That’s what happened to me during this recent incident. It was that brief moment of silence that was so powerful.
In that moment I slayed the imposter and my voice broke free. It was totally free. No rules. No expecations. No judgement. No guilt. No obligations. No shame. No sin.
It was free. It was bliss. It was defining. It was the beginning of a new script, a narrative of my own creation.
That moment was richly abundant with ideas for my future. It revealed so many possibilities that the imposter hid from me. I found that there was an entire reality that had been hidden in plain sight.
In this reality that is ultimately of my own creation I speak not when spoken to, but in my own truth, time and mind. In this reality I am aware of the power of my voice and keep its existence at the forefront of my mind.
I know that if I fail to give a voice to my desires then they will never see the light of day. If I fail to speak in my own divine time then I forfeit the gift of time. If I fail to voice my truth then I live a lie.
So during that defining moment, just before I slayed the imposter I had a moment of silence. It was the silence that woke up the sleeping dragon that was my voice. It was the silence that released her chains and gifted her with freedom.
I realized that in the moments of silence you find your voice. It literally presents itself in a moment. Listen carefully and you’ll hear it.
You’ll only rediscover it in the silence because you’ve been tricked for so long by the imposter that you believe the imposter to be your voice. That voice that talks incessantly inside your head all day is absolutely not your voice.
Your voice is beyond the limitations of language and words, which is why it is so powerful. Your voice makes the unknown known. Your voice writes narratives. Your voice manifests realities.
Decide what your desired reality will be and silently give voice to its creation. Then enjoy the process.
This will be a new way of communicating for you so know that there will be a learning curve.
The process for me meant that I needed more and more moments of silence to rediscover my voice. It didn’t matter to me that my silence was considered rude when I didn’t respond to someone in a timely manner or not at all. Emails, texts, DM’s, face-to-face chats have to at times be silenced despite perceived obligations to respond.
These things are noise and I found that it’s been really loud lately.
So many noises have violated my mind’s ears and for the longest I couldn’t figure out why I’ve been so sensitive to sounds. I now know that it was my voice, the loudest of them all, that needed to be heard in the silence that I so desperately longed for.
It’s why lately nighttime and early mornings have become the best of times. During those times it’s quiet, things are settled and most importantly I can finally hear my voice, my thoughts. I can dream. I can decide on things. I can imagine. I can be free from distraction and everyone else’s voice.
In that time I can speak my new narrative into existence, which is what I am now doing.
With my voice I am willing my desires into being. No input from parents, teachers, bosses, partners, friends.
There is only my voice, center stage, star of the show.
So I hope that this inspires you to discover your voice. Grand rising to your voice. May it enlighten, enrich and evolve your path…