Peace Lovey!
I woke up this morning wondering who am I trying to convince. Random I know. It’s probably a side effect of on-going inner work.
Mostly, I’ve been working toward being okay with who I am in this moment. There’s been some dissonance between who I am right now and who I think I should be. Basically, I’m living what I perceive to be a rather mediocre life, while I think I should be living a more robust one. So there’s a conflict.
This led me to ponder exactly who am I trying to impress. Is this perception of my life based on a standard of living that I defined or society? If the latter, how do I get back to me? How do I get back to defining my own standards and fulfilling my own desires?
The world says that you should desire and aspire to acquire fame, fortune, notoriety, material and financial wealth, status, marriage, etc. On the flip side, if these things are not obtained and by a certain age you have lost the game.
In this regard, I can’t help but question whether I’ve unwittingly opened Pandora’s Box only to find the insatiable moral compass of the world. The world that always finds fault, shines a spotlight on the most minute of blemishes and equates worth only to the next conquest of me.
If this is so, my concern is not even about how I got here as that bears no relevance to my escape. My concern is that I must break free.
However, if there is to be a question of how it is how I came to distrust myself. How did I come to distrust my ability to be self-fulfilling?
There seemed to have been a point in time when I questioned my own inner sense as my guide. This apparently opened the door to the onslaught of trendy labels, opinionated glares and ever-changing expectations of who the world says I should be.
Having some prophetic insight I can say that this will be short-lived. I can also say that I’ll overcome the weight of this uncertainty. I will return to the manner of living that is per the standard that I set for myself.
However, I can’t shake the feeling that this all seems familiar like I keep cycling back to this point. It feels like I’ve been here before.
A glitch in the matrix? Or a glitch in me?
While I know that my own standard is always and without fail a perfect fit, one that is achievable and one that best serves me. Somehow the world’s opinion always seems to find a way back into the dome.
Though the bodyguards should always be on post the world somehow finds a way in. As horrific as that may seem I don’t believe that the solution is avoidance. I can’t exactly avoid the world even if I wanted to.
Alternatively, I see it more as acceptance that the world will never present as a fixed perception, nor will I.
That said, I’m beginning to see this dilemma more as a need to develop tolerance. This approach is inherently equipped with the necessary safeguards. It allows me to be mindful of me. It reminds me to better prioritize and value me as the expert of me.
Otherwise, left to rule unchecked world opinion will have apocalyptic ramifications on both my psyche and the world.
From classism to body and self-image the world opinion is making its way into the minds of the many with all of its trendy labels and decrees. Walking out of the front door one walks into the World Court. From there court is in session and your life is on trial down to value of your very existence.
That’s how I felt this morning when I opened my eyes shifting from the etheric realm to this 3D reality. Though as the grogginess faded away and I began to see things more clearly I identified this battle of the wills for what it was.
I could see that the notion of whether free will even exists comes down to a simple decision of whether or not you play the game. Know that if the agreement is made to be a player in the game one in turn relinquishes free will. After all, if you are not in control of the board how can you be in control of you as a player on the board?
As of late being a player on the board has been nothing more than an ever-changing series of interchangeable labels and suppositions. All toward the end of mental chaos and disorientation.
So for me to accept the most recent trending label be it a “sad beige mom” or “shea butter mom” (just for starters) I too simultaneously discard me. I instead become what the world says that I am. Eventually, I work to convince not just myself, but the world that this is in fact who I am. My life experiences become a reality aligned with those labels rather than one of my design.
This could also look like my living according to the beat of the rhythm of my zodiac sign. Now depending on the calendar (Gregorian or otherwise) the reality of this will look very different. Who I agree to be will look very different. Much like the previous example this too requires the cession of me. I have to agree to assume the role and there is no free will in that.
So suffice it to say that I have concluded that tolerance, not adoption is necessary to get over this hurdle. To dissuade the conflict that persists when adopting the World Court as one’s reality you must personally choose not to play the game. Instead, exercise the ability to be attuned to you, who you truly are and what that looks like to you.
It’s about a firm decision to see your life through your lens. Do away with the weight of the labels, the expectations, the disappointments and the demands of the world. Live by your own standards as a means to an end to trying to convince the world of who you are.
That is my life support system and of that, I am certainly convinced.
What about you? Who are you trying to convince?
Sunflower Smooches!!!
Blissfully Mindful
